ME jokes

What’s the difference between me and Glow In The Dark Intelligent Putty? The putty’s intelligent!

My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.

Roses are red, I'm off the grid,

John Cena accidentally says "you can't see me" to a blind kid.

Me: Hey, you want to hear a dark joke?

Brother: Sure.

Me: Turn off the light.

The person next to me on my flight was shocked when they found out I was Arabian. I lagged so hard my gerber almost fell out of my pocket.

Friend: My girls are like boomerangs; they always come back.

Me: Mine DON'T :(

Yo mama's so dumb, her dad said, "You're driving me crazy," and she said, "I didn't know crazy was a place!"

Me: It smells like good fam.

Friend: What's good fam?

Me: Nothing much, what about you fam?

Want to hear a joke? I swear it isn't about my life again.

My mom and dad made a joke together and called it "yeetsu" (me)!

The joke is me.

Quit making jokes about me.

I did a walk today, but it was good for me and my car. And a walk today.

Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.

Me: I can only see fat.

Hey mylady.

Hey bro.

Me mylady.

Me a bro.

Me: Hi Kallen.

Kallen: Hi.

Me: You're too big to fit in my car.

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

Are you a waterfall?

'Cause I'm falling for you.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

On April Fools' Day, there is no fool except for me.

Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.

Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.

Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?

Kids: Yeah!

Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!

Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.

*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*

Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.