ME jokes

My life.

Tell me when you get it.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.

When you look at the sun, it's like looking at me.

A pirate walks into a tavern with a pirate ship attached to his nutty wuttys. It's driving me nuts!

A troll proceeds to pull out a desert eagle and shoot the pirate in the face. He makes a poggers face and says, "Problem??"

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

I'm doin' your mom. Yes, yours!

I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin' out your drawers. Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen but her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom-jeans. I approached her in the checkout line, and said, "Yo baby wassup?" She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin' at her jugs. Five minutes later she agreed to get with me so we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity.

I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart. I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn't start. She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again. How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000!

Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it. She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it. Cause she knows how I like it, and that I'm a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?

Leave a like if you like sex and porn, and talk to me if you have any questions.

Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"

Me: "Nope."

Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."

Me: "You never said \"love\"".

Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"

Me: "Frick no."

Friend: Want to play Fall Guys?

Friend 2: Yup.

Friend: Ok, so let me ju- wait, where are you going?

Friend 2: I'm gonna jump off.

Friend: Why?

Friend 2: We are playing Fall Guys, right?

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

*Watches sad movie with family*

Everyone else: *Crying*

Sister: How aren't you crying?

Me: I have no tears left to cry...

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: I don't know anymore.