ME jokes
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.
What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?
"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"
(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents
Me: Opens the window to get some fresh air.
Everyone else on the plane: 😟...😱
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.
Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?
Richard: No, I couldn't.
Richard's mom: Why?
Richard: Because he was cute.
I tried to think of how lighting works.
Then it struck me!
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.
Friend: I don't know.
Me: A black market.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Me: Your parents.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"