ME jokes
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
OnlyFans, but it’s me smacking your baby daddies with Twisted Tea.
Only Cans.
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
What's a native chick say after sex?
"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
You. Me. Gas Station.
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
A man came up to me and threatened me with his milk, cheese, and butter... how dairy!
Your forehead is big. God said dude that's bigger than me and I'm infinitely big!
"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."
Her: Eat my ass!
Me: Yes, chef!
My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.
All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.
What's the difference between a knife and me?
One has a point.
Me: What are we doing in HPE?
Friend: Fitness.
Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.
Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."
Friend: Your life is a joke.
Me: No, jokes have meaning.
Me: I have an arrow in my head.
My friend: What's the point of that?
Me: Of the arrow?
Friend: No!
Me: Probably the flint.
My father taught me a lesson of sex in a hypothetical way.
My stepmother gave me a lesson [on] how [it] is going inside?
"Aww, it's a boy, let me cut off the ombelicul cored, sir, that's his penis!"
"It's a girl."
You call me ugly, but maybe that is why we look alike.