ME jokes
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
14 girls asked me to go out today!
I was in the ladies' toilets...
People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.
A man walked into a bar and said, "What do you call a cum shot?"
The people running the bar said, "I don't know, nut."
The guy said, "Are you calling me a nut?"
Joe Rogan to Christopher Doemges: "What can you tell me about musicians of the 18th century?" Doemges: "They're all dead already!"
Julius Caesar & Tork Poettschke at the doctor's office:
"The doctor has now sent me the bill."
"Make him aware of his duty of confidentiality!"
Who is going to start the robot takeover? Me.
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
What's the difference between me and Spongebob?
Spongebob can actually get ripped.
My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"
My bully. 😭
My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."
Charlie Chaplin and Tork Poettschke meet.
Chaplin: "What can I do for you?"
Poettschke: "Please get away from me."
Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.
I bet Steven Hawking $100 if he could catch me.
As soon as he said yes, I climbed up the stairs.
I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.
(Male fantasy)
Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.
Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.
I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.
Once you've had the mother,
Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.
I got knob cheesed after your sexy mom was on top, dry humping me on the vanilla-coloured living room carpet.
She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.
I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.