ME jokes
STORY OF 2 PEOPLE NOT ME:
Girlfriend: What would you do if I won the lottery?
Boyfriend: I would take half and leave you.
Girlfriend: Ok cool. I won 12 dollars here's 6 and don't come back.
Want to do a titcock dance with me?
Me imagining how Batman's hairline looks like.
Nobody: Me: His hairline kinda do look like a Batman symbol.
What were the balloon's last words to his Father?
"Watch me, Pop!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Me.
Me who?
Not me.
"Giggety, giggety." Lois, give me your titties.
My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?
I was gonna stop for the cops, but I ran because I was high (the song don't copyright me plz).
"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"
"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"
Jada Smith: Grow some balls!
Me: Grow some hair!
My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.
Person: What's your perfect date look like?
Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.
For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
Have you ever heard of hearing aids?
Yeah, me neither.
HELP! HELP!
TELL THE PRIEST TO STOP TICKLING ME!
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."
Hey, what do you call a beta simp?
You call me the beta simp.
I was thinking about jelly this morning. It reminded me to take out the trash.
Ryan, I laid out more jokes than you have crying about me!