ME jokes

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.

Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(

Shaenaya hates me, help! And she wants to suck off ******* and ****** and ***** and *****.

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call a green camel?

My parents left me.

Knock knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinnnnnn!

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

I forgot what lightning was. Then it struck me.

Me: No one likes Shrek; he is just a fat green guy.

Friend: Hey! Stop talking about me.

I carried a magnet, then people found me very attracting.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

Can you see me?

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”

The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

"I see, I see." "Oh, do you see?" "I see 1st place looking at me." "Hi, don’t be shy, just say hi." She was shy, she didn’t say hi. Softball cheers.

A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

This is a bad day for me.

Me.

The joke is as short as me.

Wanna me to show you a joke?

*Points at face* Funny, right?