ME jokes
My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”
My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.
My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.
There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.
They always make me cry.
Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump?
Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!
So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.
What did the fat guy say to the skinny guy?
Fat guy: Does this look fat on me?
Skinny guy: No, I don’t think it’s that.
Fat guy: Thinking.
Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"
Me: "Nun."
After all these walkers, you still walk over me.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.
I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?
What did the traffic light say to the other?
"Hey, stop looking at me! I'm changing!"
Whoever said that about me better pray!
I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!
Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!