ME jokes

We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger... then it hit me.

What did the man say to the woman? "Make me a sandwich."

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

A friend was doing bird puns on me. Then I realized that toucan play at that game.

A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"

What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in!"

So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

Are you guys alright?

If you answered yes then you are wrong. You are all LEFT. Kill me, hmph.

(This joke was taken from that none funny b*tch on Britain's Got Talent)

What did John Cena say to the blind man? "YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!

Please don't kill [me].

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

What do Asians and John Cena have in common? You can't see me!

The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!