ME jokes
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Student: At home...
Teacher: What's it doing there?
Student: Having a better time than me.
My life.
Kill me, please.
The ice cream man tried to murder me today.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. “Dos, 1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.”
There were these three men; their names were Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, they were riding in their car, and Shit fell out, so Manners went out to pick Shit up, and Shut up went to the police station.
When he got there, the police officer said, "What's your name, son?" and Shut up said, "Shut up." The officer replies with, "Ummm...excuse me?!" and Shut up said, "Shut up!" and the officer said, "Boy, where are your manners?" and Shut up said, "Round the corner picking up Shit!"
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
Me: Hey, what book are you reading?
Him: "The Twisted Ones."
Me: Uh, I guess that book is pretty twisted.
I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.
He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"