ME jokes

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

"When God sends me to hell... I want him to hesitate." -Techno

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

What did the rapper say to the ATM?

"Show me the money, or I'll drop a BEAT!"

What did the beat say to the rapper?

"You've got me DROPPING like it's HOT!"

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Hahaha...”

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

Why does everyone call me racist?

My shadow is black.

What do math and me on P-hub have in common?

They are both hard.

I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.