Married jokes

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

Chump obviously wants to divorce Melania and marry Pootin, lmfao.

Why do cantaloupes always get married in the church?

'Cause they can't elope.

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

Global warming will kill every single person on this planet.

It's a good thing I'm married.

Are you a marry, because you are my mother?

I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.

You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?

All of them are married!

There's a plane crash. Every single person died.

Who lived? The married people!

Q: Why are orphans so scared to get married?

A: They don't know what it feels like to have a family.

Hey, my man, why you got them damn old, stanky-looking Whoopi Goldberg cornrows on you head? Are y'all twins, or boyfriend and girlfriend, 'cause if y'all are, go get married in Color Purple land.

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?

Why can't melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

Angelina Jolie was married to Brad Pitt...

Does that make her a "Brad Nailer", and him a "Jolie Jumper"?

"Me and Explain Boat (RapBoat) are going to be married tomorrow," - Explain Bear.

Friend: Hey, let me give you a little riddle. There's a table [for] four people who are supposed to sit [at]. There is you, me, Will, Mary. In which order will they sit?

Other friend: Uhm, you, me, Mary, and Will?

Friend 1: Nope, guess again!

Other friend: Okay, what about "Will you marry me?" Oh, wait...

Friend 1: Of course!!!! :D

Mayonnaise marry me?

Why do Indians marry cows? Because they bathe in milk.

When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.

So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."