Spouse jokes

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.

Why did Santa stop at three ho's?

Ms. Claus caught him.

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.