Spouse jokes
Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?
Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
joe mama roast
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.
So she gave me a hug.
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
He wiped.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Have you ever heard of Jane Doe? Well, her husband's name is Dill, so I guess that makes him a dildo!
What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.
I hate my wife.
*cue laugh*
What do you call a pig in a blanket?
My wife on a cold day.
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.
I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"
I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"
What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?
“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.