Married jokes
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet.
It's a good thing I'm married.
Hey, my man, why you got them damn old, stanky-looking Whoopi Goldberg cornrows on you head? Are y'all twins, or boyfriend and girlfriend, 'cause if y'all are, go get married in Color Purple land.
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
I dated an orphan and then later married him for 7 years until he told me he was an orphan.
Cool, new word of the day: Marijuana.
“Does Marry wanna smoke a joint?”
My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."
The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.
He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!
What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?
Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.
Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...
I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...
He could have married her!
Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.
That's why he married Courtney Love.
Why do orphans want to get married so bad?
To have someone to call "daddy."
Why can’t orphans get married in Alabama?
Because they don’t have a sister.
Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!
I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.
One day, a chicken went to the nail store. He asked the "owner" where the shampoo was. "BRO IM NOT THE FRIKKIN MANAGER!" the guy said. So the duck walked away.
The next day he went back to the store and asked a pregnant lady why she was so fat. The lady punched him and ran away. The duck cried. Then he went to the lady's husband and said that he must be tired of being married since she punches people every day. The man punched him. The duck assumed they were the punching couple. The duck walked, and then fell in a ditch and stayed there to die. The pregnant lady and her husband were very pleased >:) muhahahahahahaha
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.
Why can't melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?
Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.
Why did the bee get married?
Because she found her honey.
Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?
He doesn't like commitment.