Marriage jokes
My wife was going to have an abortion and I have cancer.
Ha Ha Ha
I thought it was funny.
There was this man, and he forgot about his wife's birthday. She was very upset and said that her present should come as fast as 1-200 by tomorrow. When she woke up, she saw a present in the bathroom. It was a scale.
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.
God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Cameron and Pav.
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.
Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?
A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
Just too bitter.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
Two WiFi routers got married. The ceremony was OK, but the reception was amazing.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.