Marriage jokes
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
Two WiFi routers got married. The ceremony was OK, but the reception was amazing.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.