What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
