Love jokes

I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.

"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."

Bf: What do you think about our love?

Gf: Count the stars in the sky.

Bf: Aww, it's infinity.

Gf: Nope, just a waste of time.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.

Damn, I love being a sniper.

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.

Everyone loves orphans,

other than their parents of course.

I started debating whether or not suicide is a good option. Self-harm just hasn’t been cutting it lately.

To whoever you are, you are loved.