Lot jokes

You know, it takes a lot of balls to successfully compete in women’s sports as a man.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.

Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.

It's women that make it hard.

I got caught doing donuts in the parking lot, and I know what y'all are thinking.

Who names their dog Donuts?

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

Hoes be like, "I've been through a lot."

No, a lot's been through you.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

I don't understand why the Twin Towers were super upset.

Their pizza just got there a lot faster by plane.

Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?

It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.

Vaginas are like onions. They have lots of layers to get through.

You walk into a room, and there’s a lot of people waiting in line to punch you... Yeah, that’s the punchline.

What’s the difference between a normal kid and an Emo?

When you feel an Emo's arm, there’s lots of texture! Feels great, too!

Guess why a lot of orphans were in "Home Alone"? Because their family left them.

My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"

Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.

What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?

Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?