Lot jokes
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
Why will we never get hungry in the desert?
We have lots of sand-which's.
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.
I went to Pen Island for vacation this summer. There were a lot of bones.
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
Two men were bartering over a marble slab. A lot of counter-offers were made.
You were born on the freeway, you know why?
Because that's where a lot of accidents happen. 😈
Deaf people suck lots of dicks.
They can't hear!
They don’t have to invest a lot into the Stephen Hawking wax statue, though.
What's grey and can't fly?
A parking lot.
Why do mountains go to sleep a lot?
Because they are high.
Dark humor is a lot like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
What do you call a Navajo with a lot of cash?
Johnny Cash.
What's the difference between a square peg in a round hole and a kilo of lard?
One's a good lot of fat; the other's a fat lot of good.