Look jokes

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance, they looked like hare.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

Why does Donald Trump love little boys? Because his hands look massive when he’s holding their tiny little prepubescent cocks.

What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

Answer: They both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

I looked in the mirror yesterday. I still have nightmares...

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!

Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.