Found this girl in Hawaii.
Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."
My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"
I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."
He asked, "In an orphanage?"
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
Two people are sitting in a skyscraper.
P1: Hey, what wifi are you connected to? The company wifi is horrible.
P2: Airplane wifi.
What do you do when you see a naked dead girl?
Check your map, you're obviously going in circles.
Little Johnny was late to class. The teacher asked him where he was. Little Johnny said, "I was on top of Marry Hill." Then a kid comes late to class and also said he was on Marry Hill. Then a little girl that's about 4 or 5 comes in. The teacher asks, "Who are you?" She said, "I'M MARRY HILL!"
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
Charli tries to roast me: Roses are red, violets are blue, and you look like poo.
Me: You must have been born on the highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Papyrus: Well come to the underground.
Sans: How was your falls?
Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.
Sans: Give me your balls!
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
Little boy asked his dad why he was born black.
Father replied, "So the heat from the sun doesn't burn your skin."
Then he asks, "Why is our hair all frizzy like fuse wire?"
"So the coconuts when falling from the trees won't hurt you."
"Then what are we doing living in Rochdale? (England)"
Why was the Burnside Bridge so hot?
Because it's on the burning side.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."
What do they feed a gorilla in Paris?
Ape Suzettes.
What mountain cries the most?
A mountain under water.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
When people tell me to "go to hell," I tell them their address.
