Living jokes
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
You look too old to be living with your grandma.
Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
There's a one-story house. Everything's yellow, even the kitchen, living room, and bedrooms. What color are the stairs?
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.
Mmmm, bread. I love Panera Bread.
This is unrelated, but where I live, there is no Panera Bread. Y'know what that's called?
No Panera Bread.
The daughter of an incestuous pedophile goes into the living room where he is watching TV and asks him if she can borrow the car that evening.
"Sure honey! If you suck my dick!"
So she gets down on him but something is wrong. She pops her head up and says: "Dad! This tastes like shit!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot," says the father. "I already gave your brother the car for tonight."
Orphans are like a trash can; they live outside.
In my science class we were watching a video, and for no reason at all, it started talking about Black Lives Matter, and my friend leaned over and whispered, “White lives matter more!”
When you're in a cage But it's not real!
Being in a cage But you have the key.
Being in a cage But nobody sees you.
Being outside of a cage, but it's empty.
Living and realizing you've been born into one.
Thinking someone cared about you But turns out they're toxic as fu**.
But you can't live without them.
The cage Is you. You have the key But you don't know how to use it.
Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"
The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!
Why are most school shooters mostly white?
Because Black lives MATTER.
Who is the man behind all lives matter?
Michael Jackson.
I’m a god, and I’m here to flex on you bitches. My flight to New York on September 11th was rocky, but I lived.
Imagine dying on a plane, fr. At least try and respawn:/
I saw this boy named Phone. He said where would he live? I said an orphanage.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson live in a Barbie world?
A: ♫He's made of plastic, it's fantastic!♪
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.