Line jokes
Q: Why are the 49ers called the 49ers?
A: 'Cause they can't make it past the 50-yard line.
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
What's long and black, the line to KFC.
I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.
How to write like a Parkinson’s victim:
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
Q: What did the Iceberg say to the Titanic?
A: I'd hit that.
There are 4 people in a line. Three stand up and say "We are standing up for cancer," and then there's the one in the wheelchair.
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
Today there was a line to punch me.
Yeah, that was the punch line.
I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.
I just cut everyone.
Question: What’s bald and is in a straight line?
Answer: The cancer ward. 😵😂😂
You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.
Charger: Yo, Phone.
Phone: Yeah?
Charger: Can I plug all in you?
Phone: Ayooo!
"Are you my homework? Because I want to slam you on my desk and do you all night."
I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.
You look nice, and you seem like good fun, so if I give you this flower, will you finger my bum?
What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?
"Thanks for coming."
What is George Floyd’s best pick up line?
"You're breathtaking."
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45-pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants, and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."