Line jokes
If your corona test shows two lines, is that then positive or negative?
I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)
I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sisterβs tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.
What song did Whitney Houston listen to while doing cocaine?
"Run It!" by Chris Brown.
Why does Ezra Millerβs Flash run in a straight line in The Flash movie? Bro ainβt straight.
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
A teenage guy is taking a girl to a dance. First, he goes to buy her flowers, but thereβs a really long line at the florist. Finally, he buys them.
Then, he goes to rent a tux, but thereβs a really long line for that, too. After a few hours, he gets the tux.
That night, he picks up the girl and they go to the school for the dance. Thereβs a long line to get in that goes halfway around the school. A while later, they finally get in. They dance and talk for a while, then the guy gets thirsty, so he goes over to the table to get punch. There is no punch line.
The most famous line from Shakespeareβs play Julius Caesar is βEt tu, Brute?β Why canβt he just speak plain English?
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
I have gathered intelligence regarding the Russian Forces that have been stalled in Ukraine for days. Apparently, they are installing rear view mirrors on their combat vehicles and tanks in order to see the battle at the front lines.
Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.
(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. π
What is George Floyd's pickup line?
You are breathtaking.
Parallel lines have so much in common, itβs a shame theyβll never meet.
Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, βHey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.β
As Iβm lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This wonβt last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
Angel: No. She didnβt twitch.
Devil: I think I saw her finger twitch.
Angel: Well, even if it did, itβs her thigh the techs are aiming at.
Devil: She wants to scratch her face.
Angel: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
Devil: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
Angel: She can just let it itch. She doesnβt need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
Devil: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
Angel: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliverβs smile...
Devil: How about a song?
Angel: Good idea!
Devil: How about... βNever going to give you up. Never going to let you down....βπΆ
Angel: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! Sheβs in the middle of a treatment! You know thatβs the only part she knows!
Devil: Thatβs okay. Sheβll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
Angel: Donβt be so mean!
Devil: βNever going to give you up...πΆβ
Angel: Stop it!
Devil: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
Angel: No, she didnβt.
Devil: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
Angel: She didnβt screw anything up!
Devil: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
Angel: Thatβs not how it works...
Devil: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor wonβt get enough radiation.
Angel: They know what they are doing!
Devil: ...And it wonβt shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
Angel: No! No! No! Thatβs not how any of this...
Devil: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
Angel: Stop this right now!!
Devil: βNever going to give you up....πΆβ
Angel: Stop!
Devil: β...never going let you down....πΆβ
Angel: Iβm not going to let you...
Devil: βNever going to give you up...πΆβ
Techs: Okay. Thatβs it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, Iβm fine.....
What do you call a group of rappers waiting in line?
A rhyme queue.
Whatβs one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."