Like jokes

A phone is like parents. Not everyone has one.

Hey Jorden Calerendiá, your last name sounds like a sea food shop that I get my fish from.

Your roasting is trash just like you. Boy, stop roasting on Addison and Gwen and others; you're probably 5 years old trying to dislike that. That roasting is like from 1920, get a life.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

Do you like CDs?

There's this really cool one called "C Deez Nuts."

Why are emos like paper?

They cut easily.

Kid: I forgot to flush the toilet, sorry I just forgot.

Adult: Just like your parents forgot YOU 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

Why do women like Pac-Man so much?

How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?

Children are like farts.

You can only tolerate your own.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?

Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?

They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.

Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:

1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps