Like jokes

In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.

Like if you meet someone emo.

Like if you wanna have sex.

Dark jokes are like Antarctica.

They're cold.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."

I went up to the depressed kid and said, "I like ya cuts G!"

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

Why did the grandmother put wheels on her rocking chair?

... she likes to rock and roll lol.

What kind of dogs do miners like best?

Golden retrievers, haha, get it?

Roses are red... Violets are blue... I feel like I'm gonna get raped next to you.

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

Bullying orphans is like bullying the homeless kid; both cry when you make fun of their parents.

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

Why did the orphan rob the bank? Because he wanted to know what it felt like to be wanted.