Like jokes
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
China has a population of a billion people. One billion.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.
What do rats like on their birthday? Mice cream and cake.
My opinion on abortion is very divided. Like, on the one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I'm not really into this thing about women being able to make choices.
I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.
Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.
Why is the bible like a penis You get it forced down your throat by a priest
Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.
(Like if you hate feminists.)
The Titanic before the iceberg be like: "We can't go under it, we gotta go through it!"
So there were these two wind turbines standing in a field, and one of them asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other thinks for a moment and says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.
If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
Boy Scout...
- A kid who dressed like an idiot.
- An idiot who dressed like a kid.