Like jokes

My dog is named Max, and he likes to eat dog food. Therefore, everyone named Max likes to eat dog food.

The Twin Towers are like snowmen; they fall and crumble.

Don't you just love wrecking little girl's pussies? Like the tight feeling is just amazing. The great amount [of] ecstasy you feel when you cum and they get all squirmy. It's just the best.

Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"

Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.

One reason I like to tell riddles is because they help with critical thinking skills.

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

If Sakura's head looks like earth, then her hairline has to look like the Milky Way.

Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock.

"Proud boys" more like snitch boys!

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

Your momma's so fat that she's used goods, like the Russian tanks.

What will Reddit be without the robot logo?

Reddot.

"Fucking cracker and you smell like fish!"

Lol, I switched out my friend's leukemia medication for mercury.

Like and comment if you get it!

Man: I must confess, Father.

Priest: What are you here to confess?

Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.

Priest: And what happened to your son?

Man: He said a man raped him.

Priest: When and where did this happen?

Man: A local church. I don't know which one.

Priest: ...By whom?

Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.

Priest: ...Shit

Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?

Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."

1 like = 1 Ukrainian child sent to Russia.

Danny Devito looks like one of those men with a short, yet thick penis.