Like jokes

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

The twin towers are like water bottles.

It's all right if you knock them down as long as you pick up the mess.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.

What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?

Anonymouse.

My opinion on abortion is very divided. Like, on the one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I'm not really into this thing about women being able to make choices.

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

What do rats like on their birthday? Mice cream and cake.

What do an angler fish and a pedophile have in common?

They both like to hide in dark places, look creepy, and like to lure small creatures.

Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

A fat person with autism is a bit like decent sunscreen... A broad spectrum.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!

Me: Just like me.

Fat chicks be like, "Am I fox pretty, bunny pretty, cat pretty, or deer pretty?" Like none, bitch, you elephant pretty. 😭😭😭

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.