Like jokes

There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".

At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.

My opinion on abortion is very divided. Like, on the one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I'm not really into this thing about women being able to make choices.

What do rats like on their birthday? Mice cream and cake.

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?

Anonymouse.

Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.

The Titanic before the iceberg be like: "We can't go under it, we gotta go through it!"

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!

Me: Just like me.

Fat chicks be like, "Am I fox pretty, bunny pretty, cat pretty, or deer pretty?" Like none, bitch, you elephant pretty. 😭😭😭

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.