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Relationship

Don't treat her like a gold pump when she's treating you like a gray pistol. Put down a launch pad and rotate.

Memes

Present

Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.

Germ

You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.

Cut

A kid went and got a haircut. The day after, he went to school, and a friend says, "I like your cut." He replies, "Which one?"

Orphan

Why is it okay to hit orphans?

It's not like they can tell their parents.

Wife

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Land

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

Kid

What do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things sped up.

Abortion

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

Time

Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.

Dark Humor

Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.

Orphan: How come?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Orphan: . . . .

Blonde

Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.