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Santa

  • To start, I'm a big fella in size.

    I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

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  • Truth

  • Ah, son of a bitch, I got the truth stuck on my shoe?!?!

    The truth: Breast feeding is like having long sex with your baby. God dammit, I hate the truth!

    Neighbor

  • I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

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  • Experience

  • Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

    Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

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  • Hobo

  • Zozo the hobo is single like a Pringle.

    Single like a Pringle, and he loves Pringle's, get it?

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