Like jokes

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

What do Time Clocks like to play?

Tick Tack Toe.

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

Roses are red, I like weed,

If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

I don't know what to write here, just like...

Orphan: I want to be like Batman.

Orphan worker: You are already like him, honey.

In a thick Russian accent:

"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."

Why do Emos always wear black like ninjas?

Because they're always cutting.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

Two muffins are sitting in a bar.

The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."

The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.

It’s true women do make less money than men.

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.

I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.

BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?

Son: Dad, I'm gay.

Dad: I support you.

Son: I like you.

Dad: Get out and into my room!

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.

All terrorists like starting a new year off with a bang.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

Your hairline is so discombobulated, it looks like a geometrical shape.