Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
What do you call a gay guy on fire?
LGBBQ
A blind kid accidentally touches the emo kid's wrist and says, "I'm not reading all of that!"
I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.
Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
You're so fat you need butter to get in the car.
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they just sit and cry in the dark.
Yo mama so poor, she used a KFC bucket as a rain hat.
How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?
'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.
What is an old lady's favorite exercise?
Trying to get up from the soft couch.
What do you call an emo with no breasts? A cutting board.
For some reason a group of emo kids are following me because I gave them a Happy Meal.
Your mom's so poor, she chased the garbage truck with her grocery list.
Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"
As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.
I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."
Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?
The adult person I asked: Cereal?
Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?
The person: Yes.
Me: WHAT?!!!??!!
I had a party the other day. I made sure there were vegan options. They make do or fuck off.
Why does an emo wish they were a fish?
Because they're underwater.
