What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What's the difference between Elton John and rapboat?
Elton is talented, rich, and openly gay. Rapboat got fuck all talent, no money, and is not out of the closet yet.
What’s the difference between rap lovers and the Gigachad?
Rap lovers get more pussy.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.
What's an emo's favorite part about being dunked?
The hangover.
I turned gay because my wife is too poor.
With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
Why do emo kids cost so much?
Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
What does a furry call a sexy furry?
A foxy lady!
Joke: I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy.
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
A blind kid accidentally touches the emo kid's wrist and says, "I'm not reading all of that!"
I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.
Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
