Life jokes
Most orphans were born on the highway. It’s where most accidents [happen].
At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."
Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
Meeting a girl at the park is good. But parking meat in a girl is better.
What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?
Both their parents were separated.
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
Why couldn’t the orphan find home?
Didn’t have eyes.
How is sports like regular life for orphans?
They don't get picked for either.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."
What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?
My clothes don't hang themselves...
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Oliver Tree just died in a helicopter crash?
He doesn't have to worry about that because, according to him, life goes onionionionionionionionionionion.
If you're reading this, then your life means nothing...
Have a nice day! 🙂😊
What's the difference between a baby and a tire swing?
A tire swing doesn't die when you hang it from a tree.