Life jokes
She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.
I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.
A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? They don't know where home is.
I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Me: Your parents.
Friend: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Friend: Your life.
Me: Ahhh, I wish!
*jumps off building*
A Chinese wise man once said, "ching chong ling long ting tong," which means, "keep striving in life."
Hope everyone is having a good day! ❤️
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."
Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.
What do you call a person with cancer?
A ghost with a body.
Why are hurricanes like women? Because they come into your life, take nearly everything, and leave.
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
I fucked your mom, that's why I've been paying your life support since you were born.
If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.
People love you.
Don't die.
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
Please don't kill [me].
My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.