Life jokes
I dated an orphan and then later married him for 7 years until he told me he was an orphan.
There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!
A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.
What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?
I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.
Why was the orphan so successful?
Because his options were to go bigger or go home. He only had one choice. :)
What do you call an 18 year old orphan?
Homeless.
What's the difference between an orphan and a dew?
One goes up and one goes down.
"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."
What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.
What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, and a frog croaks every day.
My life is such an udder disappointment. What an udder failure!
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
How to know something won’t be fun:
Someone will say, "C'mon, it’ll be fun!"
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
What’s the difference between milk and the air?
At least the air will always be there for me.
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.
Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.
Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.
Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?
Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.
Police: ... Child: 😊
Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!