Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.
What's the difference between an emo kid and a leaf? Only the leaf reaches the ground.
I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.
Define abnormal life.
Waking up every day living a sane life!
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
What's similar between a blind kid and an orphan?
They both can't see their parents.
Life would be so much easier if grass was emo.
Because it would cut itself.
My dad just comes and goes.
Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.
Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.
Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.
Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?
Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.
Police: ... Child: 😊
Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*
Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.
It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
