Life jokes

Why did the crumb cake isolate himself? He had a crumbling social life.

Wanna hear a joke? My life! Hahahah! Just kidding, jokes actually mean something...

Why couldn’t the orphan find home?

Didn’t have eyes.

"Rape[is] the only sign of world peace in this life."

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

What do you call an orphan home alone?

A family reunion.

Guys, stop telling orphan jokes, soon they're gonna tell they're par... oh wait, never mind, carry on.

You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

Why can't an orphan play basketball?

Because no one will be cheering them on.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

"You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?"

A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because his options were to go bigger or go home. He only had one choice. :)

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.