Left Jokes

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

The image shows Leonardo DiCaprio looking mischievous. The text above him reads: "tapping someone on their left shoulder but being on the right:"

What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.

Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.

So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.

Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

Why did the legless kid think he won a race?

Because everybody already left.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*