Left jokes
What was Stephen Hawking's last meal?
His left shoulder.
There once was a man that wanted to join a group of right-handed men, but he wrote with the other hand. He got left behind.
I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.
What is the motto of left-wing authoritarianism?
We don't have one, so you don't need one.
Your mama's so fat that when she went to space, there was no space left.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand?
She moans with her right.
Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.
What did Stephen Hawking have for breakfast? His left shoulder.
Bruh, people always makin' jokes 'bout how their dad left, well in my story it was the mum that needed milk.
"Guess what my wife left in the freezer?"
"Her miscarriage."
You got no lotion to masturbate, then you remember there's some leftover porridge in the fridge. 😌🤎😇
If there are 12 fish and 6 drown, how many are left?
12, because fish don't drown.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
Me: Joe left today.
Orphan: Who's Joe?
Me: Joe mama!
What do you call a disabled orphan?
A left over vegetables.
A man comes into the pharmacy to get a flu shot. The pharmacy nurse prepares one of the shots. The man gets the shot, and the nurse cleans the shot area.
The next day, the man comes back and gets another shot. Before he paid, the nurse said, “Don’t you realize if you get another shot you may die from overdose?” The man said, “Don’t you realize if you don’t shut up I’ll give you a shot of lead?” The nurse got scared and quit her job.
The nurse was relaxing, looking for a vacation to book, when all of a sudden she hears an odd noise. It sounds like someone cocking a gun. The man was hiding behind the nurses bushes. “In return for you giving me shots, here are yours,” said the man as he was chuckling like a psycho. The man shot the nurse in the leg so she couldn’t escape, then he shot her left hand, which is the lady’s dominant hand, so she couldn’t call the cops. For the finishing move, the man curb stomped the fucking life out of her until her head was as flat as paper.
9 years later......
All along, this man, this psycho, escaped a mental hospital. He went on mass genocide, killing 20,000 people in just 3 years. This man is more than human, more than alien, more than god himself. It was Satan reborn.
What do you call a green camel?
My parents left me.
Why did the planes crash into the Twin Towers?
Because the cleaner left the landing lights on!
What’s Stephen Hawking’s favorite food?
His left shoulder.