Law jokes
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
Why do white people own a lot of pets?
Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.
The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?
You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.
I got hired by an orphan to commit crimes, so he could become wanted.
Why do orphans want to be criminals?
Why did the ducky get arrested?
He got caught selling quack.
"White on white crime, well ham rights crime anyway in Eastern Europe right now!"
I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."
But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.
I think it was wrong for that school shooter to end his life at the scene.
He could have done some good by becoming some lonely lifer's bottom.
What do you call a pedo with no legs? A creepy crawly.
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
Why do orphans commit crimes?
To be wanted.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
A disabled kid kept throwing up in class.
So I threw him out the window!
Did you hear about how that deaf man got a ticket?
It's ok, he didn't either!
Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent, and that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!