There was a big problem yesterday.
My dishwasher has stopped working; her visa had expired.
So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.
The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.
"Hipity hopity, get the f*ck off my property!"
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.
Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.
Carly: Hey do [you] want to have sex? [Age] (43)
Zina: No! [Age] (10)
Carly: Good cause I can make you do it anyway! [Age] (43)
What do you spot in this place that [is] gay!
Digga D, I'm a well known bandit, bandit. Had a new mash, just landed. Jheez, cop it, chop it, sand it, hand it. The verbal ting I can't stand it. Wife and two, got tanned when I banged it. Mad ting. Got a conspiracy case in the silliest Place, they're saying that I planned it, damn it. Back on a Feltham landing. You ain't been in the hood like Robin. I ride in hoods tryna leave man red (Crud). The sweets are goldy, yola drops and lots of dred (Maud). No porkies, pepper them pigeons, they chase this ped. Gyal tryna give man noddy, She ain't got balls in her tongue that's dead.
And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.
You have been accused of stealing toilet rolls. How do you plead?
Guilty or not guilty?
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
9/11... 911... COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT!
What happened to the police that crossed the road?
They solved a murder involving the nut case.
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
Why did the teacher get the death penalty? Because she gave an orphan homework. That's on period. #darkhumor
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
So, I went up to an Australian girl. She looked like she was 20, and I said, "Can I have your phone number, sweetheart?" She said, "696969." I said, "Oh, haha, okay." A few days later, her mother called me and said she's 15.
You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.
