I'd tell you a Kobe joke.
But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.
Kobe Bryant jokes just don't really fly well now.
My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?
My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...
Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.
*Everyone Looks at me*
I tried to pull (his/her) leg at the comedy club, but got arrested for sexual harassment. Does that still count as a joke? ๐คฃ
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing Iโve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh itโs not what you think, Iโm just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying thereโs a new pub in town and theyโre giving out free pints.
So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you canโt go in." The Irish man says, "Why canโt I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. Youโre going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "Iโm blind; itโs a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "Thatโs ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"๐
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
Family all eating at the table.
Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."
Sister: "Stop the cap."
Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."
Dad laughed.
Stepmom storms out of the room.
Don't make fun of fat people. They already have a lot on their plate.
Huh, I'm really pissed off. No matter how many jokes I make, no one likes them. ๐ญ๐ญ:'(:':๐๐๐ฟ๐๐๐๐:(
Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?
Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.