I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Who's never the last man standing---Steven hawking
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
