I have sexdaily, I mean dyslexia, fcuk
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida." I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was "You unplugged my life support", that's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
“Don’t sneeze”
Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends I would always tell them “Don’t sneeze” and when I did they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed we laughed even harder.
Also,
“It dangles and swung” Language art quizzes are the best
I am only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet
I font know y
What language do people at the center of the Earth speak?
Core-an (Korean)
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher. They said: you can't be a pro-grammer nazi.
Someone at school judged my grammar. I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.
In Portuguese, Trumpa means bullshit
A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
Why did the first fence hated the other fence? The second fence used some of-fensive language.
What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? Smiles because there is a mile between the first letter and the last
I don't like to use the word kidnapping. So I just use the term: surprise adoption
A man had moved to a new contry with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there telling he wanted his dog to be groomed. The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours" so the man left and came back a couple hours later when he asked about his dog he was given a box of jerky he found out "happy dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
I'm friends with only 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
Who do you call to clean up foul language?
A cuss-todian!
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps" etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted "they're schools, not shooting ranges".
How do you escape a French prison?
Yell angrily in German.
A man found out that he was going to die. A German doctor comes in and says “you have 10 more”. The man yells out “10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!”. And the doctor says ”No seconds” and the man says “9 SECONDS!!!” And the doctor says “Nine Ten Seconds” He asked “How many seconds do i have to live 10,9 , or..........” Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
Did you know that ASL is a dead language? Yeah, nobody speaks it.
Why can't dinosaurs talk? Because they are all dead.
