What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
What is the best way to end a cookbook?
And that’s a wrap!
Yesterday I made food using oil--olive oil.
(I love oil!)
What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator won’t fart when you pull the meat out.
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
Where can white people cook better than Black people?
On Father’s Day.
What’s the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
What do you call an emo with no breasts? A cutting board.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Orphan: Am going to see my mom in the kitchen because they are always in there.
Orphan: Realizes.
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.
Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.
My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!
I bought a Dalek egg timer recently...
After a few minutes, it shouts, "Eggs terminate!"
What is the difference between a gay person and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t start moaning and groaning when you try to put the meat in.
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.
How do you know when your vegetables are completely cooked?
The wheelchair rises to the top.
