Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
Why did the mushroom kill himself?
Because he had a mushy life.
My peepee small.
The ocean will kill you to death expensively if you're on Titanic. Buying the tickets was a waste of money.
Why did Hitler kill people? Because it was funny! 🥵
The granddaughter wanted to see granny. She killed herself.
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.
I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.
Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.
Why did the pencil want to kill himself?
He had no point in life.
i killed a man in 94
How do you make a mime cry?
You kill his family. Right in front of his stupid face.
Person: You can't kill an orphan! Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?
What would you do if you were killed?
i killed my cat
Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?
Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH
My Grandpa killed 30 Air Force pilots in WW2. He was a very bad mechanic.
I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
How does a skeleton kill a bug?
They SOCKET!
They killed a whole family of crows... It was a murder!
They killed a bunch of ravens... What a conspiracy!
