Kill

Kill jokes

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

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    • I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

    I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

    What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.

    Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.

    Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

    How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.

    If you hit a child, that's child abuse.

    If you hit a family member, that's abuse.

    If you kill either, it's murder for some reason.

    If it's a whole family, it's genocide for another reason.

    What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?

    I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.

    If you kill someone, that's murder.

    If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

    If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

    Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?

    His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.

    The man was Indian. He moved to England because he wanted to learn, so got a job at the store. He learned how to say "register," then he was a business man. He learned how to say "59887," then "restaurant," so he learned how to say "fork and knives." So a man came with a knife. The cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him. He said, "Him," and pointed to the Indian man. The cop asked, "What did you use?" He said, "Register." The cop asked for ID. "59887." The cop asked, "Anything on you, forks and knife?" He said, "Me me me."

    Teacher: Tell me a moral story.

    Little Johnny: Once my grandfather was in WW2. He saw everyone praising to kill him. For example, we should sneak up and kill him. We get the helicopter above and shoot him from there. My grandfather heard this, he got his gun and shot them all.

    Teacher: What is the moral even?

    Little Johnny: Never plan to kill my grandfather.

    How do you make a body disappear?

    You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

    P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

    Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?

    That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

    A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

    The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

    The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

    The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

    So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

    The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

    The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

    "Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.