Kick jokes

I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."

What are they going to say about Tim Gunn in 20 years?

He kicked the bucket.

How to kick a deaf person off the plane:

Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.

Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.

Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

You know shit is going down when anything pumped up kicks related is brought into school.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

What will happen if someone kicks you right in the balls?

You will be like, "Ow, my nuts!"

How do you give a redneck a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

I kicked a soccer ball at a kid in a wheelchair and said, "Rocket League!"

I kicked a ball into someone. Now I got a red card.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

A boy asked his dad for some money to buy an ice cream with, so he went to an ice cream van. Whilst he was in the queue, two boys asked him what flavor he was getting. He told them "strawberry." The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The ice cream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice cream for free.

When he got home, his dad also asked what flavor he bought. The boy said "strawberry." His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy, confused, walked down the street and was stopped by the police, who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice cream. The boy said, "That's me," and the policeman arrested him.

A week later in court, the boy was on trial. The judge asked, "Can you tell me what were you doing on the fifth of May?" (the day he was arrested) The boy said, "I was eating ice cream." The judge decided he was innocent. On the way out, the judge asked him what the flavor was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course, he answered with "strawberry." The judge, horrified, realized he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately, he couldn't change what had happened, so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died.

The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road.

I recently got kicked out of a casino because I apparently misunderstood what the craps table was for.

I'm psychicking your butt.

Go drop-kick an orphan. No one will know, not like his parents would know.

Q: Why did the ballerina get kicked off the squad?

She was standing way too close to the dancers.

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

What song do you think was playing at the school?

"Pumped Up Kicks"