Kick jokes

What's the same about a newborn and a football?

You can kick them both very easily.

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

I tried to eat ass once. The donkeys got one hell of a kick!

I kicked the shit out of Little Johnny.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

How do you give a redneck a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Why was the emo kicked out of the Carnival? Because he was cutting in line.

I got kicked outta the poker game.

They said I was a little cheetah.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Q: Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?

A: She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie to me!"

I kicked a soccer ball at a kid in a wheelchair and said, "Rocket League!"

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

Why did the rapper get kicked out of the grocery store?

He kept dropping the BEETS!

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."

-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

How do you end an argument with an emo? Kick the chair.

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.