Kick jokes

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

I kicked the shit out of Little Johnny.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

How do you give a redneck a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Why was the emo kicked out of the Carnival? Because he was cutting in line.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

I got kicked outta the poker game.

They said I was a little cheetah.

I kicked a soccer ball at a kid in a wheelchair and said, "Rocket League!"

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

Why did the rapper get kicked out of the grocery store?

He kept dropping the BEETS!

What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

Q. How does an ISIS terrorist practice safe sex?

A. He marks the camels that kick.

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."

-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

How do you end an argument with an emo? Kick the chair.

When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...

If you kick an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents on you?

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.