How do you give a redneck a circumcision?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
Why was the emo kicked out of the Carnival? Because he was cutting in line.
I got kicked outta the poker game.
They said I was a little cheetah.
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
I kicked a soccer ball at a kid in a wheelchair and said, "Rocket League!"
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."
-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...
If you kick an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents on you?
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.
How do you end an argument with an emo? Kick the chair.
My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?
Why did the rapper get kicked out of the grocery store?
He kept dropping the BEETS!
Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.
What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Q. How does an ISIS terrorist practice safe sex?
A. He marks the camels that kick.
"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.
"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.
"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"
"You getting kicked out, bro?"
"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."
"Is she one of them woke bitches?"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.
The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."
"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."
"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."
