Joke jokes
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Stephen Hawking.
What will you call Burj Khalifa after 100 years?
"Bujurg" Khalifa. (Just a joke)
What is it about a beard and glasses that children find so sexy?
Asian pregnancy test:
Stick a Rubix cube into pussy.
Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russell
Dark jokes are like Antarctica.
They're cold.
Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?
Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.
“Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?”
“No.”
“Neither have they.”
How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.
What do you call a man with a curly toe?
Carlito.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.
Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"
And I said: "They're the exact same thing."
Then they said: "But when did it happen?"
So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"
What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?
Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"