Joke jokes
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What do you call a decapitated politician?
A severed head of state.
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."
Question: What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?
Answer: He was left hanging.
A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."
My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other side.
What do you get when I get mixed with coffee?
De-presso.
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
"You have to be more patient!" "Will it take a long time?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic American police officer?
He shot a Ginger.
How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?
She unlocks the handcuffs.
What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
What's worse than a baby in a trash can?
A trash can in a baby.
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
I got kicked out of the library for putting the Women's Rights book in the fantasy section.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.