What was Stephen Hawking's shampoo?
Head and Shoulders.
Joke Jokes
Three gay guys walk into a bar.
There is only one stool left, what do they do?
They flip the stool over.
What do you call a skeleton with no bones? A boneless boy.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
Deez nuts!
GOT EEMMMMMMMM!
A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."
I read a story about a rabbit being raised. It was a hare-raising tale!
A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
Because there was a school on the other side.
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.
What's black, white, and red?
A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
Why was the boy crying?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking.
What do you call a clock on a belt?
A waist of time.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get the Chinese Daily!
Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!
I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.