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An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

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    • Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.

    If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?

    I have a penis.

    How's that for a fucking joke? It's not a joke. It's terrible.

    500 thumbs down and I'll lop off my dick with a razor.

    What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.

    What's the difference between a blonde and your computer?

    You don't want your computer to go down on you.

    Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

    Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.

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    • What did the cow say to the sheep?

    “Moo!”

    What did the sheep say to the cow?

    “That was a bad joke!”

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    • How do Asian people name their children?

    They throw a pan down the stairs.

    What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.

    I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.