Waste Jokes

Aiden
in Savage

Bf:what do you think about our love?

Gf:count the stars in the sky

Bf:aww its infinity

Gf:nope just a waste of time

Anonymous

Q: What’s the difference between me and you? A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

9
Anonymous
in Dumbness

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS’s office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I’m a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I’ll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I’ll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn’t see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that’s not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I’ll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that’s impossible you’ve got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he’s laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what’s wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you’d just love it.

1
Anonymous
in Politics

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

Death&Decay

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin

Anonymous
in Puns

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

2
Anonymous
in Roast

Girl: how much do you love me Me: count the stars in the sky Girl awww it’s infinite Me no just a waste of time

GF: What do you think of our love?

BF: Count the stars in the sky.

GF: Aww… It’s infinity!

BF: Nope. It’s just a waste of time.

Anonymous

God my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

blahaorder66
in School

There were 30 high school seniors taking finals, and once they finished, the teacher, Mrs Jones walked up and down the classroom to collect the tests, and asked “so, are you guys ready for college?” And Brian answered “no way. School is just a waste of time, every day taking seven cruel hours of our lives.” Angela replied “never! Like Brian said, school is just a waste of time, and the next level is surely not worth paying $50,000 for. Besides, math class is mental abuse to humans!” And Jack said “school has been a waste of so much time I’ll never get back, and after these finals I’ve realized…fuck, I never actually learned shit!”

PapaPony

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted? Nothing… wife couldn’t tell.

1
Anonymous

Why did the stoner cross the road? He got so wasted, he thought he was a chicken.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying

“Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

Anonymous

What do you call a blind photographer? A waste of money

was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said…“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. "Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”

Not a joke but still dc

Roaster #12345678910
in Roast

My Wife: how much do you live me?? Me:count all the stars.My Wife: aww infinity. Me:No a waste of time.

Anonymous
in Puns

I would tell you a joke about a clock but it’s a wast of time 😄😄

Anonymous
in Combat

If you put your foot in a pond, your foot will get wet.
No joke, I just wasted about 5 or 6 seconds of your life.