A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
Joke Jokes
What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.
What's Harry Potter's favorite way of going down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rowling.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
It’s the police, ma’am, your son got hit by a drunken driver. He’s dead.
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
Stop joking about Helen Keller so much! It’s rude, poor woman! You all just wait till she hears about this!
Person 1: "I love KFC."
Person 2: "Yeah, me too!"
Person 1: "How many have you gotten?"
Person 2: "How am I supposed to remember how many buckets of chicken I have ordered!?"
Person 1: "Chicken? What chicken? What do you think KFC stands for?"
Person 2: "Kentucky Fried Chicken?"
Person 1: "What? I thought it meant kidnapping foster children."
Person 2: "BLOODY WHATT??"
What do you call a paralyzed kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "How?"
"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter!"
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had "no-body" to go with.
A kid asks his mom what dark humor is.
She says, “You see that man with no arms, tell him to clap.”
“But mom, I’m blind!” says the kid.
“Exactly,” replied the mom.
