Job Jokes

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Why did the rapper become a carpenter?

To build some SOLID BARS.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

Bro, go work at McDonald's. Your hairline inspired their logo!

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

The image shows a two-panel comparison. The top panel is a picture of a woman looking distressed with the text "Designers, when a company hires another designer" and "Am I not enough?". The bottom panel shows a picture of a chimpanzee with the text "Engineers, when company hires another engineer" and "Apes together strong."

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.

I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.

I saw a kid crying, sitting on the sidewalk, and I asked him where his parents were. He then cried even more. God, I love working at the orphanage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, and the other is a simple command.

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he replies.

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"