Job jokes

Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?

Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.

Q. Why do Skeletons work hard?

A. 'Cause they want the BONEus.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

Bro, go work at McDonald's. Your hairline inspired their logo!

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.

I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.

I saw a kid crying, sitting on the sidewalk, and I asked him where his parents were. He then cried even more. God, I love working at the orphanage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, and the other is a simple command.

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he replies.

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

Wanna hear a construction joke?

Nah, I'm still working on it.

I work at a tire shop.

I'm pretty tired.

I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.

What did the math book say to the guidance counselor?

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

Why did Daveon get fired from his job at the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.