Job jokes
I lick poo for a living... You?
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company...
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"
I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?
Why can’t orphans work at AC Johnson’s?
Because it’s a family company.
How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?
Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.
Why didn’t the construction worker build a bridge?
He was scared to get across.
My dad died in 9/11.
He was a good pilot.
Therapists are rapists in disguise, because "the rapist".
A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."
My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
Poor fella fell off the guard tower.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to his job at KFC!
A little kid was lost, and he asked me to find his home. I love working at the orphanage.
What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?
“Wait, you’re getting paid?”
I think I might apply for a job cleaning mirrors. It’s a job I can see myself doing.
My ex died today.
I also lost my job as a butcher.