I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Why is there only a glory hole in the handicapped stall in some public men's restrooms?
Because a gay man that is not physically handicapped can't receive a blow job from a gay man that is physically handicapped under the handicapped stall.
What do you call someone who fixes walls?
Juan, probably.
Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.
There’s no hope.
One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.
I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
What makes 9/11 an inside job?
Someone started calling it 10/7.
Bro, go work at McDonald's. Your hairline inspired their logo!
Why did the rapper become a carpenter?
To build some SOLID BARS.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
Why did Daveon get fired from his job at the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Why did the telemarketer cross the road?
I don't know.
I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.
"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."
"That's your lookout."
One day I was going home, and 7 married men came to me and said, "You should be proud of your sister." I asked why. They told me it was the best that they ever had, and we got your sister a trophy.
So I went home, my sister said, "Look at my trophy I earned." The trophy said "The Best Blow Jobs." As a bro, I couldn’t be more prouder.
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."
Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."
