Job jokes

Cops have the hardest job: they have to tell women they have the right to remain silent and know damn well she will not have the ability.

How did the carpenter do on his interview? He nailed it!

Yo mama so ugly, Bloody Mary handed her an application through the mirror.

Me: Have you seen a Mr. Weewoo?

Most people: No.

Me: He drives the ambulance downstairs.

A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."

He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She says, "Yes, I am."

He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."

I saw a kid crying, so I asked them where their parents were.

God, I love working at an orphanage!

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

Just because you have a career in the North doesn't mean you are North Korean.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

Want a kiss, daddy? Want a blow job?

Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?

Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.

What do you call a giraffe giving a blow job to another giraffe?

Getting neck!

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were, and he started crying more.

Anyway, working at an orphanage is fun.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.