Job jokes

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

I saw a kid crying, so I asked them where their parents were.

God, I love working at an orphanage!

Just because you have a career in the North doesn't mean you are North Korean.

Got fired from the bank yesterday.

They caught me drinking on the job.

Bro, go work at McDonald's. Your hairline inspired their logo!

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.

There’s no hope.

What do you call someone who fixes walls?

Juan, probably.

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, and the other is a simple command.

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he replies.

One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.

I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.

I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were, and he started crying more.

Anyway, working at an orphanage is fun.

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.