Job jokes

I went over to a crying child and said, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at an orphanage!

Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?

Father Les.

You must work at McDonald's because you have a McDouble chin.

I saw a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at the orphanage!

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Why is there only a glory hole in the handicapped stall in some public men's restrooms?

Because a gay man that is not physically handicapped can't receive a blow job from a gay man that is physically handicapped under the handicapped stall.

I saw a girl crying. I asked her where her parents were, and she started to cry even more.

Man, I love working in the orphanage.

There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?

A pentagon.

I should probably stop making jokes about 9/11.

My dad died to it, he was a great pilot.

Why can’t orphans work at AC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.

Bob the builder.

Me: Spanish teacher, why do we need to learn Spanish?

Teacher: Because you might go to Mexico and start a job.

Me: Why would I want to sell drugs?

I have many jokes about unemployed people--sadly, none of them work.

Your mama is so ugly, she summoned Bloody Mary.

She handed her an application through the mirror.